Trying to untangle my mind.

So this is the raw and unfiltered version of how I got to where I am in my head. I know a lot of men who have been here…… some just may not have taken it to this extreme , but what I do have to say is ” Thank you Missy……you showed me that bitches be crazy yo……”

I can remember the day I met her, all 5’3″ and 120 lbs of her. I could see the crazy in her eyes right out the gate. She had an ass you could bounce a quarter off of, and I could tell she could suck start a Harley with that little black dress she had on. I said to myself “Oh hell! This is gonna be FUN!” How wrong I was…….She was a true white-breasted mattress thrasher in every sense of the term, and I should have seen it coming, but as Forest Gump says “Stupid is as stupid does.” And I was VERY stupid not to see the red flags waving in my face. Her name was Missy (redacted)…..and forever more I shall refer to her as “Messy Missy,” because boy did she make a mess of my life……Turned it completely upside down….Some of the best times and worst. But sometimes there is just TOO MUCH PASSION, and I was told we were like oil and water. I never believed that could be true, but now I know it is! We were a glorious disaster. I tend to think of it like a tornado meeting a volcano. Wreckage like you could never imagine! I should have seen the wreckage brewing when she said, “Men always end up hating me.” But I thought I would be the one to change all of that, but she was right.

Albert Einstein describes insanity as ” doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” This is how our relationship was. A rollercoaster ride of insanity! Get in, sit down, hold on and shut the f*** up! She evaporated and re-appeared at least 20 or 30 times in the 3 years we were together. A good friend of mine called it like he saw it. He said ” I see how this is gonna go down. Your bloody c**k is going to end up in a field and that bitch is gonna end up on fire.” I think he was right…… But nobody ended up on fire. Just broken, mistrusting and hurt. Someone said to me not too long ago, “She really must have been someone special.” She could see the loss all over my face. What she should have seen was that a preying mantis had bitten my head off.

At the time, I had just gotten out of a 10 year marriage and I was a little bat s*** crazy. Looking for excitement and a way to fill the lonely void of being 45 and single again, I asked a friend of mine if she had any “hot single friends” and her reply was she knew someone who might fit the bill. So I told her to set up a date and it was off to the races from there! After dinner and small talk we snuck out under the guise of getting “ice cream” for the tribe of kids and proceeded to fornicate on the hood of a car in the street. This set the tone for the next three years, and I just recently heard she found god…..and god help her please, because she needs it more than ANYONE I know!

I should have known right then and there, but after 3 years of hell and a year without her I am just starting to wrap my mind around it. It was constant chaos and drama. Always a catastrophe on the horizon. I had thought of myself as strong and resilient, but if you set a trap with p***y, I’ll get caught every time…… And boy did I get caught. She drug me down into the deep, dark depths of depression and I have just recently started to see the light again.

Having lost all interest in the things that used to bring me joy I feel like I need to return to my roots, lead a simple life and not let things get to complicated for a while. So I have sold all my worldly possessions and reduced my life down to a mattress and two coffee cups……. and a large bank account…….F*** YEAH! Here we go again! And this time I’ll do my best to never let myself get caught in the p**** trap ever again.

I honestly need to thank her for the nudge to clarity. Without this catalyst I would still be doing the same daily grind. Work, eat, sleep, f***. Rinse and repeat.

Everyone has a reason for the road to self discovery. Addictions, financial ruin, legal issues, love lost. Whatever it may be, it’s what makes you take a good, long hard look at yourself. Someone once asked me “What does a life worth living look like?” I still don’t know, but I’m sure as hell going to try and figure out the answer to the riddle!

So here I am. Trying to untangle my mind……