Killing Wilbur , and the feast that followed…..


Wilbur, moments before his demise. Early summer 2019.

About a mile over the New Mexico border, near a place called Cedar Hill, sits the Kaiser Ranch. Also known as the Diamond Bar K Ranch to the locals around there. Right on the edge of the Animas River sits a pen where Wilbur the pig lives…. Or should I say lived……

As you all know from earlier blogs my friend Jarred is a redneck. I on the other hand, am not, but us a**holes gotta stick together right? So knowing that there should be no surprise that he raises his own food. And damn good food at that! This ain’t no grass fed pig! Screw that organic hippie s***! All they do is smoke pot and smell bad anyways…..

FYI, my bro Jarred smokes more pot then anyone I know, but I guess cowboys do more drugs than rock and rollers……

It was a sunny afternoon when Wilbur met his demise. The whole crew showed up down at the ranch to put Wilbur to death….. Men , women and children milled about while Jarred loaded his AR-15 and stepped into the pen. It should have been a quick death but it wasn’t…… It soon became probably the most violent thing I have ever witnessed in my ENTIRE life (even more violent than some of the s*** I saw in prison.) And here’s how it went down…..

Jarred took aim at the center of Wilburs forehead with the AR. It should have been a quick death, Jarred is one hell of a shot and this was only 3 feet away! No brainer right? Not even close! Wilbur moved his head right as Jarred pulled the trigger and it canoed Wilburs snout. I mean greased the SOB right thru the center. Blood everywhere, squealing , and one pissed off Wilbur! So Jarred shoots him one more time real quick with the assault rifle made for killing PEOPLE! Still to no effect…..And Wilbur was more pissed now than ever. Squealing, snarling and going after Jarred, so he jumps out of the pen and goes to the truck and grabs his .45 pistol. I heard a kid screaming in the background ……Oh s****, not good…… All the while I’m standing there in my flip flops (yes flip flops at a pig murder) thinking to myself ” This is AWESOME!”

So anyway, he jumps back over the rail on the fence and smokes this pig THREE MORE TIMES with the .45 in the head. And STILL this thing just won’t die! Finally after a few minutes Wilbur is finally down and I think to myself it’s over. How wrong I was…..He keeps trying to get back up, so with me holding down his snout with a flip flop, and Jarred standing on Wilburs hind legs my buddy Dan “the little man” whips out his knife and proceeds to slit Wilburs throat. After cutting about six inches of flesh and fat he finally slit the trachea ……. And the damn thing is still breathing through its slit windpipe! FINALLY Wilbur gives a death rattle and it’s over…..Again all I’m thinking is ” That was AWESOME! ” But, killing Wilbur was only part of the festivities that evening, now we had to skin him, take out his guts, and butcher him so we could eat him……

After getting him out of the pen we took him out to the “bone yard.” The place where all things on the ranch go to die……. Farm junk, cattle and horses…..You name it. And I guess Wilbur was now headed there also. The boys went to town and there was only one mishap when somebody nicked the d**k with a knife…… man it stunk, and I almost threw up on my flip flops……

Soon after, with the use of A LOT of power tools and miscellaneous sharp objects Wilbur was bagged and tagged……Ready for the smoker…..I went home, crawled into bed, and dreamt of when I would get to eat him!!!!

Getting Wilbur out of the pen was no easy chore, but we had a backhoe…….Damn, it’s good to have the right tools for a job.
We had to slit his throat six inches deep!

Picturesque picnic area

So , the reason why Wilbur lost his life was to celebrate a special day for a very special young lady. Brooke, one of Jarred’s four daughters had just graduated high school. I enjoy spending time with this intelligent, kind, charismatic young woman and every time I’m around her she is truly a joy to be in the room with. Always a huge smile on her face…..one that makes you want to smile also! She is a hard worker with a bright future and Jarred is VERY proud of her. He always points to the lines on his face then to one of his girls and says “see this line, she gave me that one!” I know he’s joking, but it is true! Four daughters……. That’s one brave man!

Big ass homemade smoker for the goods

That following Saturday he got up and put some of Wilbur in the smoker to congratulate Brooke for a job well done……It was probably the best goddamn pig I have ever had in my life! Thanks Wilbur! Well played man!

Horse trough fire pit…..Redneck ingenuity…..

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