THINGS EVEREY GENTLEMAN SHOULD OWN, BUT MOST ARE NOT “THINGS”

It’s been a while since I have picked up the pencil……. Life gets in the way and for several years it hasn’t felt “right” to write. But lately my mind has started working again although I am overwhelmed with real life work……. The dream got away, but I am happy…… I LOVE BEING THE CONDUCTOR OF THE SHIT SHOW AND THE HEAD OF THE OCTOPUS!

When you leave all the bullshit behind is when you find real freedom. Simplicity is where you find real freedom.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what qualities truly define being a “man” in this day and age, so I put it down on paper recently while texting with an old friend…….. H.S.W. thank you for the inspiration on this one.

It’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…….

These are my values and opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and everybody’s is shaped just a little different. To each his own and I do not judge, nor do I want to be judged. You can get as weird as you want……..

Here is MY list of things that every gentleman should “own” but the majority are not possessions.This might not be YOUR list.

A good chefs knife. Could be used to create a great meal or slit someones throat and let them bleed out.
A good cast iron skillet. Just don’t let your wife or girlfriend near it when she’s pissed. One of the funniest phone calls I ever got was from a dear friend who was getting a divorce. When I inquired why he very adamantly stated, ” Chris, that bitch hit me with a frying pan!” F.G.B. you are a good man and I’m proud to call you my friend.
A good cutting board. Not only can you cut your meat but you can pound your meat on it also…….Good for fruits, vegetables and all other assortments of goodies for personal consumption!
At least one good coffee table book. Sometimes your guests are tired of talking.
One good cookbook and know how to put a little “sauce” on the recipes.
A tie, that is not a clip on. AND the knowledge how to tie it.
A good time piece. Digital does not count. Apple Watches confuse the hell out of me. I just need to know the date and time.
A good pocket knife. A good blade, a can opener and a bootle opener. Maybe a cork screw when you’re trying to get laid. All the other dildos and butt plugs that hang off pocketknives today just aren’t necessary!
One good pair of dress shoes that don’t hurt your feet.
One tailor fitted suit for weddings and funerals.
A hobby. Other than watching sports on TV.
A well read collection of books.
High thread count sheets. Ain’t nothing better when you’re scratching your balls in bed.
A Will……..Be a man and take care of your last wishes. Nobody wants to clean up the mess you made. So write it down and then there are no questions asked.
A close set of friends. The type of friends who will show up with gas in the truck, the dirty carpet to roll the body up in, and TWO shovels because they will help you dig the hole.
Bail money hidden somewhere in your house and one friend you can call who knows where it’s hidden. (see 15.)
This is not a thing, just advice. Start hiding money the day you get married……..
A diverse collection of good music.
Mastered at least one musical instrument and play it well. This will get you laid more than tile!
Know how to drive a stick shift. There are still a few of those around.
Know how to strike up a conversation with a beautiful woman. Without telling her how beautiful she is. She already knows how hot she is…….
A good set of bar ware.
A good set of wine glasses with the knowledge to know what wine goes in which type of glass. ( The same goes for 22.)
Good sunglasses. No brainer!
At least one knock it out of the park recipe that you prepare impeccably. This will also get you laid more than tile..
A grill that you know how to use. And make sure you have charcoal or propane stashed. ( This goes hand in hand with 25.)
A good set of tools and the ability to use them.
The knowledge to change your oil and a flat tire. These “boys” I see on the side of the road on their cell phone calling daddy or AAA is sickening. ALSO always pull over when you see a woman with a flat and help her change her damn tire!
The ability to converse with people from all levels of life. Rich, poor or indifferent. We are all humans and kindness is a lost trait.
Saying “Yes ma’am” and “no sir.”
Showing respect to your elders.
Waiting until everybody has served themselves before serving yourself. Especially the ladies. What gives you the right to go first when all you did was drink beer and BS with your buddies?
And don’t be an asshole and start shoving your pie hole with food until the ladies are sat and eating also.
Taking place in saying grace, whether you believe in religion or not. Everybody needs their Kool-Aid even if its not your flavor of Kool-Aid.
One good leather belt. They are a multi faceted tool. Pleasure , pain, or just to hold up your saggy pants!
Enough fishing gear to catch a fish and the knowledge to use it. Give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you will feed him for life.
A good Zippo lighter, and the knowledge to start a fire. It could save your life.
One good worn in hat.Any kind of hat qualifies as long as it keeps your face from getting sunburned.
A journal. That you actually write in.
Framed photographs of your family. Dogs qualify also.
A credit card that is not maxed out. A cash based lifestyle not only makes you hard to track, but debt SUCKS. Live within your means.The best free advice I ever got from an attorney. All other advice will cost $350.00 an hour.
A well stocked bar. Self explanatory.
A passport. With the stamps that show you know what real poverty is.
The ability to say no. Whether it be to another cocktail, or something else that is just not a good idea.
A career path, not just a job.
A good pair of work gloves.
A tape measure. With the ability to read it and know what fractions are.
A good pair of work boots. Wet feet suck.
One good wool blanket. A Pendleton, Hudson Bay, Woolrich or even an Army/ Navy store one. As long as it keeps you warm.
A good sharp axe. This is the catalyst for staying warm. And you also might need it to chop up other things when your good friend shows up with the dirty carpet and the shovels……..
NEVER talk to cops.They are not your friends. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you in a court of law. There are three things you tell a law enforcement officer. 1. NO, 2.NO and 3. NO! (see 50.)
At least one nice piece of art.
Concert ticket stubs. And the memories accompanied.
A good cooler that will hold ice. Ice is one of the finer luxuries in life.
A good reading light for reading in bed.
At least one good worn in pair of good fitting blue jeans.
One T Shirt you love that actually says something bold on it. Preferably with holes in it also.
Be a good friend……. Until the wheels fall off the car and there’s sparks flying off the rims.
Last but not least. A plunger . You never know when you’ll get into deep shit…….

I’m sure there are so many more that could be added and y’all feel free to add to the list! Life is a learning process and I’m sure I’ll learn more. You can still teach an’ old dog a new trick………..

“She ain’t revved till the rods are thrown”

Guess I’m still a heathen.