The Great TP Pandemic 2020

YAY! I found some!

The definition of pandemic is “a disease affecting the whole country or the world.”

Panic buying and hoarding is DEFINITELY a disease affecting the world during these time of uncertainty……… I just don’t get it………If everyone would just shop normally, for what they need and nothing in excess there would be plenty of everything! Who needs 60 rolls of TP or 30 bottles of hand sanitizer? Get real people! But I guess I also never thought I’d see the day where it was acceptable to wear a mask into liquor store or convenience store and not get shot!

As I sit on the couch “self isolating” I find myself pondering on a very important subject of current times! How to wipe my ass, and wishing I had kept all the legal documents from my custody battle…….As long as I crumpled them up enough to make the paper soft they would fit the bill just fine!

I haven’t seen a roll of toilet paper since February 23, 2020. I’ve run thru all of my paper towels and now Kleenex …….. I’ve learned Brawny is the best! Puffs is a close second! Not too rough but does the job well! I’ve had vivid dreams of a 12 pack of Angel Soft. It reminds me of when I first got sober and those vivid dreams about a fat rail, a pint of Jim Beam and a 12 pack of Tecate! Freaking surreal!

I read an article the other day how Wal Mart has sold enough TP in the last 5 weeks for EVERY SINGLE American to have one roll! Where the f*ck is it? I have NONE! My how times have changed! Never in my lifetime did I EVER think I would not be able to find such a simple staple of life! Yesterday on a bicycle ride I saw a box in front of a church with a sign beside it that said “Toilet paper. Please take only one roll. God bless!” I found myself wishing I had a basket on the bike or had brought a backpack on my ride and how I was once again unprepared. Which has become painfully obvious lately! But, in these times I guess it wouldn’t have looked so strange to be seen riding down the street holding a roll or two! What has the world come to? I’m going to head down there shortly and see if there is any still there.I find so much irony in the fact that I live in the wealthiest nation on earth cannot even take a nice relaxing dump with out having to worry about it’s next wipe! If it doesn’t get better soon I’ll be experimenting with what species of leaf works best……… No bullsh*t! Please leave suggestions in the comment box below!!!!!

I can’t believe it’s come to this……..The churches giving away toilet paper!

Every day when reading the morning news on my computer I find myself half expecting I’ll read about civil unrest. A TP riot! Absurd. But if things don’t start returning to some shred of normalcy soon it wouldn’t surprise me one bit…….I could give a rats ass about cans of beans, pasta sauce or eggs but one thing that freaks me out is not being able to take a crap without worrying about how I’m going to take care of business on the “tail” end! ( Sorry, but I couldn’t help the pun!)

I truly think that in this time of uncertainty that something as benign as being able to wipe your ass brings people comfort. A sense of security. A sense of having just a little shred of control in ones life when the world around you is spiraling downward at an ever alarming speed.

I just drove across the US from Colorado to Georgia. The roads were eerily empty. Just me and the truckers. Brave men and women risking their lives to keep America rolling,(another pun!) and I found myself pondering how many of them were filled with the three most precious commodities in the world right now. TOILET PAPER, HAND SANITIZER AND DISINFECTING WIPES! INSANE! Maybe someone should create an App that shows you where that stuff is in stock……… I’d sign up!

Winston Churchill once said ” Now is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” TRUE DAT!


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