I have not written in a while, almost two months……. Life happens, and I’ve learned that when you don’t have anything good to say sometimes it’s just best to remain silent. But I’m back. Although I’ve been good, I haven’t been having fun……And since my motto is ” Be good. Have fun” I chose not to write about the bad times. Only the good. You gotta have hope right? And now I have hope again! I went “home” over Christmas. Sometimes family and good friends are what it takes to feel human again.
I grew up in a very special place. A small island. Live Oaks and Spanish moss. Sunrises on deserted beaches. Oysters, Georgia shrimp, grits, fried green tomatoes , collard greens and fish frys. The old south still lives on where I grew up, and I miss it……At almost 50 I feel the need for nostalgia. A need for connections. A need to feel like I belong.
What a special place. And, what a special time to grow up in that special place.
I recently went home over the holidays. I needed to re-connect with my roots. I needed home. The familiar faces and nostalgia. Good friends who “know” you like everyone else does not. Who don’t judge you. Only love you for who you are.
I am so fortunate to have these people in my life. People I have known my whole life and even though I have been gone for almost 30 years it still feels like I never left……..Unfortunately the quaint little island I grew up on has now been over developed. Crowds, congestion and bumper to bumper traffic is now a common occurrence. The quaintness is still there, with a bunch of golf carts on the roads to remind you of how ostentatious it has become.
But the Island is still “home,” and I miss home a lot!
I’m being drawn to “home” again. After being in Colorado for 28 years the mountains are no longer calling me. I dread the snow and the cold every morning when I’m rolling out my tools for the day…….At 29 it was cool. Good pay, outdoors, with a tan and muscles. At 49 it is not so cool anymore! Now it just hurts after a long day and staying warm and positive is a challenge! A lot of people would say I’m fortunate to live in a place with such awe inspiring beauty…….. Maybe I just don’t see much beauty anymore?
So here I am. Faced with the most difficult decision of my life. Do I go home to where I feel like I’m loved? Leave my children in Colorado with their mother and let them grow old enough to formulate their own decisions and opinions? Or do I stay here in Colorado, continue fighting with their mother to be a part of their lives? I’ve written about it in an earlier post. Read it if you want the history…….It’s titled ” The reason for living are these two.”
I know I was never the perfect husband. And she definitely was not the perfect wife. My sobriety, accountability and efforts mean nothing when lawyers who twist facts like you would never believe are involved. My children’s legacy is GONE. Spent fighting. When a simple conversation maybe could have solved it all…….
This is truly a quandary for me. Do I stay, fight, and slowly die here? Or do I leave, live, possibly find happiness and wait? Wait until they are 18 and can see the truth…….That their father loves them and fought tooth and nail to be a part of their lives. But was defeated at every turn. I’m tired off getting my ass kicked…….
I’m being drained. Lawyers, judges, therapists, and a system that is truly broken. Will I be running to something or from something? I have NO F***ING CLUE!
I just recently paid off my alimony payments in full. 57 months worth! YAY! Finally done! Or so I thought….. But I guess there is a law here that your ex can file a motion to extend it. Guess what happened……. Back to court……..My hearing is coming up soon. Financial records and forensic audits…….. F**K ME! AND F**K YOU!
She has been living with a man for 4 years now, bought a house together, co habitate like husband and wife. But they won’t get married. Guess why? Because they would lose that check every month. Lame in my humble opinion…….
When you don’t know what to do sometimes you should not do anything until the answer presents itself…….I’m waiting for a sign……..Hopefully it will come soon……